August 15, 1998
Some
of you may recall that when last we left our heroic case officer, he had
endured an Internet-based "date" with Suspect (we called her "G") during
which G spent the entire evening discussing the intimate and unrequested
details of her recently-blossomed 'love'/sex affair with Accomplice, whom
we referred to as "X".
So in
what was deemed as a small step towards sociological progress, said heroic
case officer (HCO) accepted the aid of a "friend" and former co-worker.
We'll call her "BT". BT offered to "fix up" HCO with a woman whom BT knew,
whom BT felt would be "perfect" for HCO. After two months, last week BT
followed through with her promise/threat and provided phone number of Suspect
#2 (we'll call her "H") to HCO, who immediately, lacking any reason not
to, called H and arranged for the inevitable first encounter last night,
15 August 1998.
Behold,
the Ides of August. Payday. Or..... payback?
HCO picked
up H as arranged at 7:30 at her apartment in the fashionable Lakewood area
of Dallas, on White Rock Lake. H suggested a trendy Italian ristorante
for dinner, quirkily named by the Fates, "La Dolce Vita". As HCO drove
down Gaston Ave., he noticed a slight, yet treacherous, slickness to the
roadway due to a recent light rainfall. Approaching the yellowing light
at the West Shore intersection, HCO gently applied his brakes, careful
to note the fishtailing car in the lane to the left as it accelerated ahead
through the intersection. The street was indeed slick. HCO silently congratulated
himself as his carefully-driven car came to a stop. Until suddenly...
WHAM!
No, George
Michael and Andrew Ridgeley didn't come on the radio, although given a
moment to choose, HCO might have preferred to hear "Wake Me Up Before You
Go-Go" instead of the jarring jolt of crunching fiberglass. HCO and H had
been rear-ended.
HCO's
smallish Mazda suffered puncture and dent damage to the rear bumper, the
left rear quarter panel, and minor damage to the driver's door. The other
car suffered front bumper damage, a broken right headlamp and minor
dents and scratches on the right front quarter panel. The driver, whom
HCO gathered was no older than 20, acted shaken, and while retrieving her
insurance and driver's license, muttered only "I'm sorry. I guess my brakes,
like, didn't work." None of the three suffered injury. HCO and the
other driver exchanged the appropriate insurance information, and the evening
resumed.
Dinner
progressed relatively uneventful. H did note the small fire at the table
behind HCO, as a womanly patron for some reason decided to light her cloth
napkin with the small table candle. The waittress calmly tried to stomp
it out on the stone floor, until figuring out that she couldn't stomp fast
enough. A glass of water accurately tossed from the next table successfully
snuffed the blaze, although the subsequent aroma did not exactly enhance
the northern Italian ambiance. And in an interesting coincidence, HCO noticed
through the front window the young girl accident-causer walking by with
a carry-out container.
With
nary a moment to tarry, the couple left the ristorante headed to the Casa
Linda theater to see the summer's surprise hit comedy, "There's Something
About Mary". Finally, HCO's luck seemed to turn, as parking was painless
and there was no line with five minutes before show time.
Free
advice: Anytime you go to a movie theater with five minutes before show
time for a hit movie, and there's no line, and there's only one employee
working both the ticket booth and the concession stand.....well, as some say,
there's a reason(s) for everything.
Of the
four theaters in the complex, "Mary" was playing in the smallest. HCO opened
the door to enter, now just minutes before the feature was due to start,
and stepped into pitch blackness. Totally, like, dark. The employee was
informed, and within another few minutes, the blue, circa 1962, house lights
came on such that about five unsuspecting pairs of patrons cautiously ventured
to their seats. Caution was warranted due to the very real potential
of one walking right out of his/her shoes, the floor was that sticky. (In
the dim blue light, neither H nor HCO could tell if the floor was concrete
or very worn carpet, although the dank smell intimated the odor-absorption
composition of carpet over concrete, which one could have presumably hosed
off.)
Only
after settling tentatively into the spacious seats did HCO notice that
his left armrest cushion was missing. But the steel armrest frame,
complete with protruding spikes for securing the missing cushion, was very
much not missing as it punctured the left front quarter panel of HCO's
elbow as the feature began with no previews, no ads, no preliminaries.....it
just started.
Now,
one can debate the merits of this particular film, and the appropriateness
of the film for a "first date". Both HCO and H had to get over a few uneasy
moments of, "Is it okay to laugh at this?" However, despite a poor print,
a flashing projector and sound from the adjacent showing of "Saving Private
Ryan" bleeding into the "Mary" showing, the pair enjoyed the gut-wrenching
humor and twists and turns of the inventive comedy.
They
enjoyed it until shortly after the, uh.......the, uh, "gel" scene. (Which,
by the way, HCO did indeed experience as the prophet/critic forewarned,
"You'll laugh till it hurts!" It did.)
With
about twenty minutes to go, as the plot twists and character revelations
were unfolding one after the other, the projector bulb went out, leaving
the ten patrons back in the, like, total darkness, *listening* to the surprising
events unfold! (Even for a "blind" date, this was uncalled for!)
HCO joined
two other disgruntled customers to notify "management", i.e., the one visible
employee. To their surprise, the other three theaters were empty and, of
course, like, totally dark. The concession area was emptied, and the one
formerly visible employee was, like, gone! After ten minutes, two patrons
re-entered the front door with the now-again visible employee in tow, who
had gone to a nearby bar for her "break". She advised all that the
projector bulb had, like, you know, burned out, and she gave all a pass
for another showing.
(As if!)
HCO and
H left the Casa Linda theater shaking their heads in wonderment at their
selection by the playful Fates, who obviously had nothing better to do
on a Saturday night but pick on a pair of unsuspecting, middle-aged singles
out for dinner and a movie. As they stepped onto the sidewalk, and sighted
the dented Mazda parked alone in the empty lot, HCO summed up the evening:
"Well,
the best thing about tonight is that I could walk away from my wreck."
H, the speech pathologist, laughed, speechless.
While
HCO is left with the mystery of what the "something" is about "Mary", there's
no doubt in his mind that for the benefit of Mr. Fate......there's definitely
something about HCO.
