"Two Minutes of lucidating" (April 7th)
WHAT IS lucidating?
Hello. My name is Steve. I'm single and I use the Internet to meet people. For dates. I don't apologize for it, and I'm not embarrassed by it.
But I suspect that for some of you, this is a new experience that brings with it new questions, new problems, and new uncertainties.
I'd like to spend a couple of minutes with you each week to give thoughtful consideration to some of these new issues about being single, and dating. I call it "lucid dating".
Now, some of you may be wondering, "What's 'thoughtful' got to do with it? We're talking about dating here. We're talking about affairs of the heart, not matters of the mind. Dating is all about love, and romance, and being swept off your feet. Isn't it?"
Well, if it's all about the "heart", why aren't we rushing to cardiologists for relationship advice? "Gee, Doc, since she's been gone, my aorta just ain't been the same. What should I do?"
Many of us look to "experts" like counselors, therapists, and psychologists - the same people we seek out to referee our own mind games, we seek out for "professional" advice about our 'hearts'.
Think about that.
What really qualifies as an "expert opinion" on dating and relationships these days? Who can best speak to the impact of email, voice mail, cell phones, pagers, and the online dating services that offer the never-ending possibility that the next email MIGHT bring an even BETTER prospect?
Not only have the rules changed, but it seems as if the whole damn game's changed.
Think about it.
Who's got 'the' answer to new dilemmas such as:
- We've been out five times. Why is he still on the matchmaking service?
- We emailed so much, I thought I knew her. Then we met, and it was like she was this completely different person.
- No, I don't consider the first one a "date" ... I don't know what to call it, but I know it's not a "date".
- He gives good mail ... but he chews with his mouth open.
I'm suggesting that there are a lot more questions than there are answers about this brave new domain of "online dating". That's why I think it's important that we all think, and that we share what we think.
So I invite you to share your thoughts with me, and each week we'll spend two minutes talking about "lucid dating." Send your email to:
Next week, we'll talk about "appearances - can they be any more deceiving?"
I'm Steve Stockdale, and this has been two minutes of "lucid dating".
"Two Minutes of lucidating" (April 14th)
APPEARANCES: Can they be anymore deceiving?
Let's talk about deceptive appearances. Like those women with glamour shots that are about as revealing as a full eclipse, and guys for whom "a head of hair" means a cumulative, full-body follicle count?
Nah, let's talk about a different type of appearance deception - the self-induced kind.
About a year ago I wrote a woman on an online service. I saw her photo and thought, "She looks like Carol!" - a good friend from work. We exchanged a few emails, talked on the phone and met.
But guess what? She didn't look like Carol, she didn't talk like Carol, and she didn't act like Carol. Now whose fault was it that this woman wasn't Carol from work?
Hers?
Alfred Korzybski observed, "We see what we see because we miss the finer details."
Based on just a few sketchy details about this woman, I leapt to a conclusion that, "This woman is just like Carol!"
To put it mildly ... I missed quite a few finer details.
Think about it.
No matter what's there to be seen, we never see 'everything' of 'anything'. There's ALWAYS more than meets the eye. But if we really WANT to see something ... if we WANT to see a resemblance .... if we WANT to see an attractive figure ... if we WANT to see the face of a 20-year old even though the profile clearly says "36-40" ... guess what we're gonna see?
Here are three examples of how we deceive ourselves:
First, we make arbitrary and artificial distinctions concerning what we're "looking for" - must be this, can't be that. So how many of you women are going to say "no, thanks" to Mel Gibson because he's over 42, or "no way!" to Tom Cruise because he's under 5'10"?
Second, we size up people compared to an ideal, and then discard them when they don't measure up. Guys, keep looking for those dime-a-dozen combinations of Julia Roberts, Julia Child, and Janeane Garofalo. They're out there. Sure.
Third, we label others as "liars" because they don't divulge every statistical detail of their beings and backgrounds to our satisfaction - even while we generate more premature, inappropriate inferences and stories based on what we DO know.
Marcel Proust said: "The real voyage of discovery consists not in seeking new landscapes, but in having new eyes."
In other words, if we control how we see, we'll change what we see. If we're careful, we might 'see' ourselves deceiving ourselves a little less often.
I'm Steve Stockdale, and this has been two minutes of lucidating.
"Two Minutes of lucidating" (April 21st)
WHAT'S KEEPING YOU IN?
In 1954, Samuel Beckett wrote "Waiting for Godot", the hallmark of what became known as "theater of the absurd".
No, the play's not about dating - although you have to admit that "theater of the absurd" is a pretty apt description of what can go on 'out here'.
No, the play's about "waiting".
One day when I was going through my own post-divorce crisis, my therapist finally had enough of my pitiful "why can't I ever meet anybody?" whining.
"STEVE!" she barked. "Think about it! If you don't meet a woman at work, or in your car, or in your apartment, you aren't going to meet her because those are the only places you ever are!"
I thought ... "So what's your point?"
When I was in college, I had a poster of a ship at sea. The caption read, "A ship in the harbor is safe ... but that is not what ships are for."
What are you doing with your 'ship'? Are you anchored in your 'safe harbor'?
The show tonight is about getting 'out there'. It's about places you can go, things you can do, and people you can go meet. But those places, the things you can do, and the people you might meet won't be beamed into your apartment.
You've got to go to them. So what's holding you back? What's keeping you in?
Ralph Waldo Emerson observed: "We are always getting to live, but never living."
Einstein said something like: "The more you do what you've always done, the more you'll get what you've always got."
I was reduced to tears in 1992 when I read these words in Pat Conroy's, "The Prince of Tides": "I lived with the terrible knowledge that one day I would be an old man, still waiting for my real life to start."
So when is your "real life" scheduled to start? Are you content to get what you've always got by doing - or not doing - the same old things?
The current bestseller on change management, "Who Moved My Cheese?", poses this profound question ... "What would you do if you weren't afraid?"
What would you do if you weren't afraid? Would you take a Fun Ed course? Would you sign up for dance lessons? Would you go to Carson's on April the 25th for the Dating Online Happy Hour?
Get out there. Quit waiting for "to go". Do what you would do if you weren't afraid. I'll be looking for you. I'm Steve Stockdale, and this has been two minutes of lucidating.
